Tik-Tok of Oz Read online

  CHAPTER 1

  Ann's Army

  "I won't!" cried Ann; "I won't sweep the floor. It is beneath mydignity."

  "Some one must sweep it," replied Ann's younger sister, Salye; "else weshall soon be wading in dust. And you are the eldest, and the head of thefamily."

  "I'm Queen of Oogaboo," said Ann, proudly. "But," she added with a sigh,"my kingdom is the smallest and the poorest in all the Land of Oz."

  This was quite true. Away up in the mountains, in a far corner of thebeautiful fairyland of Oz, lies a small valley which is named Oogaboo,and in this valley lived a few people who were usually happy andcontented and never cared to wander over the mountain pass into the moresettled parts of the land. They knew that all of Oz, including their ownterritory, was ruled by a beautiful Princess named Ozma, who lived in thesplendid Emerald City; yet the simple folk of Oogaboo never visited Ozma.They had a royal family of their own--not especially to rule over them,but just as a matter of pride. Ozma permitted the various parts of hercountry to have their Kings and Queens and Emperors and the like, but allwere ruled over by the lovely girl Queen of the Emerald City.

  The King of Oogaboo used to be a man named Jol Jemkiph Soforth, who formany years did all the drudgery of deciding disputes and telling hispeople when to plant cabbages and pickle onions. But the King's wife hada sharp tongue and small respect for the King, her husband; therefore onenight King Jol crept over the pass into the Land of Oz and disappearedfrom Oogaboo for good and all. The Queen waited a few years for him toreturn and then started in search of him, leaving her eldest daughter,Ann Soforth, to act as Queen.

  Now, Ann had not forgotten when her birthday came, for that meant a partyand feasting and dancing, but she had quite forgotten how many yearsthe birthdays marked. In a land where people live always, this is notconsidered a cause for regret, so we may justly say that Queen Ann ofOogaboo was old enough to make jelly--and let it go at that.

  But she didn't make jelly, or do any more of the housework than she couldhelp. She was an ambitious woman and constantly resented the fact thather kingdom was so tiny and her people so stupid and unenterprising.Often she wondered what had become of her father and mother, out beyondthe pass, in the wonderful Land of Oz, and the fact that they did notreturn to Oogaboo led Ann to suspect that they had found a better placeto live. So, when Salye refused to sweep the floor of the living room inthe palace, and Ann would not sweep it, either, she said to her sister:

  "I'm going away. This absurd Kingdom of Oogaboo tires me."

  "Go, if you want to," answered Salye; "but you are very foolish to leavethis place."

  "Why?" asked Ann.

  "Because in the Land of Oz, which is Ozma's country, you will be anobody, while here you are a Queen."

  "Oh, yes! Queen over eighteen men, twenty-seven women and forty-fourchildren!" returned Ann bitterly.

  "Well, there are certainly more people than that in the great Land ofOz," laughed Salye. "Why don't you raise an army and conquer them, andbe Queen of all Oz?" she asked, trying to taunt Ann and so to anger her.Then she made a face at her sister and went into the back yard to swingin the hammock.

  Her jeering words, however, had given Queen Ann an idea. She reflectedthat Oz was reported to be a peaceful country and Ozma a mere girl whoruled with gentleness to all and was obeyed because her people loved her.Even in Oogaboo the story was told that Ozma's sole army consisted oftwenty-seven fine officers, who wore beautiful uniforms but carried noweapons, because there was no one to fight. Once there had been a privatesoldier, besides the officers, but Ozma had made him a Captain-Generaland taken away his gun for fear it might accidentally hurt some one.

  The more Ann thought about the matter the more she was convinced it wouldbe easy to conquer the Land of Oz and set herself up as Ruler in Ozma'splace, if she but had an Army to do it with. Afterward she could goout into the world and conquer other lands, and then perhaps she couldfind a way to the moon, and conquer that. She had a warlike spirit thatpreferred trouble to idleness.

  It all depended on an Army, Ann decided. She carefully counted in hermind all the men of her kingdom. Yes; there were exactly eighteen ofthem, all told. That would not make a very big Army, but by surprisingOzma's unarmed officers her men might easily subdue them. "Gentle peopleare always afraid of those that bluster," Ann told herself. "I don't wishto shed any blood, for that would shock my nerves and I might faint; butif we threaten and flash our weapons I am sure the people of Oz willfall upon their knees before me and surrender."

  This argument, which she repeated to herself more than once, finallydetermined the Queen of Oogaboo to undertake the audacious venture.

  "Whatever happens," she reflected, "can make me no more unhappy thanmy staying shut up in this miserable valley and sweeping floors andquarreling with Sister Salye; so I will venture all, and win what I may."

  That very day she started out to organize her Army.

  The first man she came to was Jo Apple, so called because he had an appleorchard.

  "Jo," said Ann, "I am going to conquer the world, and I want you to joinmy Army."

  "Don't ask me to do such a fool thing, for I must politely refuse YourMajesty," said Jo Apple.

  "I have no intention of asking you. I shall command you, as Queen ofOogaboo, to join," said Ann.

  "In that case, I suppose I must obey," the man remarked, in a sad voice."But I pray you to consider that I am a very important citizen, and forthat reason am entitled to an office of high rank."

  "You shall be a General," promised Ann.

  "With gold epaulets and a sword?" he asked.

  "Of course," said the Queen.

  Then she went to the next man, whose name was Jo Bunn, as he owned anorchard where graham-buns and wheat-buns, in great variety, both hot andcold, grew on the trees.

  "Jo," said Ann, "I am going to conquer the world, and I command you tojoin my Army."

  "Impossible!" he exclaimed. "The bun crop has to be picked."

  "Let your wife and children do the picking," said Ann.

  "But I'm a man of great importance, Your Majesty," he protested.

  "For that reason you shall be one of my Generals, and wear a cocked hatwith gold braid, and curl your mustaches and clank a long sword," shepromised.

  So he consented, although sorely against his will, and the Queen walkedon to the next cottage. Here lived Jo Cone, so called because the treesin his orchard bore crops of excellent ice-cream cones.

  "Jo," said Ann, "I am going to conquer the world, and you must join myArmy."

  "Excuse me, please," said Jo Cone. "I am a bad fighter. My good wifeconquered me years ago, for she can fight better than I. Take her, YourMajesty, instead of me, and I'll bless you for the favor."

  "This must be an army of men--fierce, ferocious warriors," declared Ann,looking sternly upon the mild little man.

  "And you will leave my wife here in Oogaboo?" he asked.

  "Yes; and make you a General."

  "I'll go," said Jo Cone, and Ann went on to the cottage of Jo Clock, whohad an orchard of clock-trees. This man at first insisted that he wouldnot join the army, but Queen Ann's promise to make him a General finallywon his consent.

  "How many Generals are there in your army?" he asked.

  "Four, so far," replied Ann.

  "And how big will the army be?" was his next question.

  "I intend to make every one of the eighteen men in Oogaboo join it," shesaid.

  "Then four Generals are enough," announced Jo Clock. "I advise you tomake the rest of them Colonels."

  Ann tried to follow his advice. The next four men she visited--who wereJo Plum, Jo Egg, Jo Banjo and Jo Cheese, named after the trees in theirorchards--she made Colonels of her Army; but the fifth one, Jo Nails,said Colonels and Generals were getting to be altogether too common inthe Army of Oogaboo and he preferred to be a Major. So Jo Nails, JoCake, Jo Ham and Jo Stockings were all four made Majors, while the nex
tfour--Jo Sandwich, Jo Padlocks, Jo Sundae and Jo Buttons--were appointedCaptains of the Army.

  But now Queen Ann was in a quandary. There remained but two other men inall Oogaboo, and if she made these two Lieutenants, while there were fourCaptains, four Majors, four Colonels and four Generals, there was likelyto be jealousy in her army, and perhaps mutiny and desertions.

  One of these men, however, was Jo Candy, and he would not go at all.No promises could tempt him, nor could threats move him. He said hemust remain at home to harvest his crop of jackson-balls, lemon-drops,bonbons and chocolate-creams. Also he had large fields of crackerjack andbuttered pop corn to be mowed and threshed, and he was determined not todisappoint the children of Oogaboo by going away to conquer the world andso let the candy crop spoil.

  Finding Jo Candy so obstinate, Queen Ann let him have his own way andcontinued her journey to the house of the eighteenth and last man inOogaboo, who was a young fellow named Jo Files. This Files had twelvetrees which bore steel files of various sorts; but also he had ninebook-trees, on which grew a choice selection of story-books. In case youhave never seen books growing upon trees, I will explain that those inJo Files' orchard were enclosed in broad green husks which, when fullyripe, turned to a deep red color. Then the books were picked and huskedand were ready to read. If they were picked too soon, the stories werefound to be confused and uninteresting and the spelling bad. However,if allowed to ripen perfectly, the stories were fine reading and thespelling and grammar excellent.

  Files freely gave his books to all who wanted them, but the peopleof Oogaboo cared little for books and so he had to read most of themhimself, before they spoiled. For, as you probably know, as soon asthe books were read the words disappeared and the leaves withered andfaded--which is the worst fault of all books which grow upon trees.

  When Queen Ann spoke to this young man Files, who was both intelligentand ambitious, he said he thought it would be great fun to conquer theworld. But he called her attention to the fact that he was far superiorto the other men of her army. Therefore, he would not be one of herGenerals or Colonels or Majors or Captains, but claimed the honor ofbeing sole Private.

  Ann did not like this idea at all.

  "I hate to have a Private Soldier in my army," she said; "they're socommon. I am told that Princess Ozma once had a private soldier, but shemade him her Captain-General, which is good evidence that the private wasunnecessary."

  "Ozma's army doesn't fight," returned Files; "but your army must fightlike fury in order to conquer the world. I have read in my books that itis always the private soldiers who do the fighting, for no officer isever brave enough to face the foe. Also, it stands to reason that yourofficers must have some one to command and to issue their orders to;therefore I'll be the one. I long to slash and slay the enemy and becomea hero. Then, when we return to Oogaboo, I'll take all the marbles awayfrom the children and melt them up and make a marble statue of myself forall to look upon and admire."

  Ann was much pleased with Private Files. He seemed indeed to be such awarrior as she needed in her enterprise, and her hopes of success took asudden bound when Files told her he knew where a gun-tree grew and wouldgo there at once and pick the ripest and biggest musket the tree bore.